![]() ![]() He got a full-time job and has committed to helping me pay for daycare costs while working with me on a schedule that gives him ample time with his daughter. For the last couple of weeks, we’ve seen him almost every day. Though Cora’s dad wasn’t there then, he’s here now. Other than that, I was alone with a newborn who screamed if I put her down, and a rambunctious 7-year-old who, though I didn’t know it at the time, had hair completely full of lice. My cousin had stayed with us for a few days, and left us with a freezer full of pasta dishes, and some friends had brought us some food. I was completely on my own in an empty house just two days after I’d given birth. I looked over at my girls, playing so sweetly together, and thought of when Coraline was just born. She had a pile of boxes of things people had sent her, and a lot of things she’d planned to return because they ended up not needing them. She had a husband at work who made enough to support the three of them and their house, two dogs, and two cats. ![]() ![]() She had a mother-in-law staying with her. ![]() While I sat at her table, doing the familiar action that was holding a small baby while trying to eat, carefully picking food I’d dropped off of her incredibly new little frame, I started to seethe in jealousy and self-loathing. Yesterday I went to bring my friend who’d just had a baby dinner. I’m writing this in between the tugs on my heart strings and knots in my stomach and angst of being alone. I’m writing this two hours before I was supposed to meet friends for lunch, but had to cancel because of lack of funds. I’m writing this from my couch, where my 19-month-old is sleepily nursing in my lap. I’m writing this knowing my bank account is overdrawn, because I’m still waiting on four, unexpectedly late paychecks. ![]()
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